I am in the middle of writing a story at the moment and don't have the time or energy to write anything else. Since I feel bad about starting these blogs and not posting reguarly, I decided to post some old blogs from my myspace days.
This one was written back in August when the man that owns my heart decided he wanted some time apart.
HOW?
How can you take my heart and shred it into pieces? Why did you spend so much time and energy breaking down my walls if you were going to destroy my heart? Do you even care or realize how much Im hurting? How did you keep your selfishness hidden from me for so long? Am I just a game to you? Am I just a fuck? Why couldnt you be open and upfront from the beginning? Why did you have to make me love you? Why did you make me start to feel again? Will you realize that I am worth more before its too late? Will you realize Im the best you could ever have before I finish rebuilding my walls? How many times do you think that you can break my heart before it shatters into a million irretrievable pieces? Do you really thing that I will be here waiting forever? Do you think my love for you can survive much more of this?
I know that I should give up and say fuck it before my heart breaks anymore. But can I do it yet? Can I build the walls high enough, strong enough, fast enough to say thats it, no more? I dont think that I can. Not yet. But much more hurt and they will build until they cannot be scaled. Is that what you want? I wish that I could turn off my love for you like a light switch. It would save me so much heartache if I could. I want things the way the used to be. But I doubt they will ever be again.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Goodbye Sinja
I posted this to my 360 blog and decided to post it here as well.
It's a sad night at my house. Our pet family has decreased by one tonight. A few hours ago our neighbor found our cat Sinja laying dead on the a few feet from our driveway. The best that we can tell, he had been hit by a car. It really blows my mind that he was in the road. The little time he spent outside he rarely left the yard. When he did, it was to go into the woods. He was still warm when we got to him. We buried him at the edge of the woods near his favorite tree. The strange thing was that while we were burying him it suddenly started to pour down rain. Then as soon as we finished covering his grave it stopped. It was like someone turned the faucet off. Just boom, pouring down rain then nothing.
Sinja had been with us for a little over four years. He and his sister came to live with us shortly after we moved back home from the fire. My mom saw them at her church one Sunday morning and brought them to me. She knows I can't resist taking in strays. Cleo, (his sister) died a little over a year ago when the neighbor's dog killed her. Sinja was a laid back cat. His favorite past time was to lay on my bed while I rubbed his belly. He also tended to be lazy. As a matter of fact he was so lazy that when our female cat came in heat a few weeks ago, Sinja could not be bothered with messing with her. Either he was lazy or gay. LOL
Goodbye Sinja. We will always remember you and love you. I hope that whomever you are in your next life, that you touch our lives once again.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Pissy Neighbors
Last weekend while all the kids were at my house, the spent a majority of their time riding the 4 wheeler and the dirt bike in my back yard. On Sunday afternoon they were back out there again. They had been going at if for about an hour when a neighbor stopped one of the boys on the 4 wheeler and told him that if they didn't quieten it down, he was going to call the police. Now I will admit that the 4 wheeler is a little loud, but not loud enough to warrant the police being called. After all they were in my yard, where they had permission to ride, it was about 3 in the afternoon not 9 at night. Also it wasn't that loud. The neighbors motorcycle is louder than the 4 wheeler. To be honest the whole thing pissed me off. Really, what were these kids doing that was so wrong? They weren't riding it on the road, they weren't on someone else's property tearing anything up. As a matter of fact, I let them ride it in the back yard so they wouldn't be on the road or anyone else's property and I made them stop riding around 8 every night so it wouldn't disturb the neighbors. It's not like I enjoy hearing it go around and around my yard, directly under my window. Nor do I like all the dust that it stirs up, but it gave them something fun to do and not get into any trouble, or so I thought.
When they came in to tell me what the guy had said, I could tell they were all worried about getting into trouble. I told them to go back out and keep riding. Guess what? The police never came. Want to know why? Because they weren't doing anything illegal. But to be honest I think the thing that pissed me off the most was the fact that the person that was complaining insists on cranking up his motorcycle bright and early in the mornings. The same motorcycle that is so loud that I can not only hear it when all my windows are closed, but also feel it in my house.
So many people complain that teens today are always getting into trouble and causing mischief. But when these kids are minding their own business and doing absolutely nothing illegal, these assholes have to try and start shit. What in the hell do these people expect them to do? Sit around all day and read the bible? If they have to complain about something why can't they find something important to complain about and leave my kids alone. If my kids are doing something wrong, then yes please let me know about it. After all I will be the first one to tell you that they are not angels, but don't ruin their fun when they are doing nothing wrong.
When they came in to tell me what the guy had said, I could tell they were all worried about getting into trouble. I told them to go back out and keep riding. Guess what? The police never came. Want to know why? Because they weren't doing anything illegal. But to be honest I think the thing that pissed me off the most was the fact that the person that was complaining insists on cranking up his motorcycle bright and early in the mornings. The same motorcycle that is so loud that I can not only hear it when all my windows are closed, but also feel it in my house.
So many people complain that teens today are always getting into trouble and causing mischief. But when these kids are minding their own business and doing absolutely nothing illegal, these assholes have to try and start shit. What in the hell do these people expect them to do? Sit around all day and read the bible? If they have to complain about something why can't they find something important to complain about and leave my kids alone. If my kids are doing something wrong, then yes please let me know about it. After all I will be the first one to tell you that they are not angels, but don't ruin their fun when they are doing nothing wrong.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Country Music Makes Me Cry!
I enjoy writing, it is a therapeutic outlet for me. Honestly sometimes I can't help but write. Things will be floating around in my brain and won't calm down until I write it. Also there is really no telling what I will write about. My interests tend to change from day to day. One day I may write about the annoying things my kids do just to drive me insane and the next may be about my opinion on animal abuse, still the next entry may be about how I can't stand to listen to country music or it could be about the great sex I had that day. Who knows what will come flying out of my busy little mind and fingers?
For example, I've been going over and over in my head as to why so many people simply adore country music. Don't get me wrong or get your panties all in a wad, I admit there are a few country songs that even I like. But for the most part 90 percent of them make me want to bawl my eyes out. Seriously, I am a single mom of 3 kids who wonders how in the hell she is gonna manage to get her two teens a car to drive and where the money is going to come from for college. I spend almost every night in my lonely bed wishing I had a wonderful sweet guy to hold me close while I sleep. I take some pretty strong pain meds every day just to keep the pain in my neck and head at bay enough to function. My Dad has Alzheimer's and my mom told me yesterday that he ate a crayon because he thought it was candy. This is the man that was my hero for my entire life. My kids biological father is not in their life at all (read no child support whatsoever for their entire lives). In other words I spend every day fighting to keep the tears and depression from taking over my life. I sure as hell don't need the music that I listen to making me want to cry until I am dehydrated. I can accomplish that just fine by simply thinking too long about the problems we have. When I listen to music, I want it to take my mind off things and make me happy. I will admit, I did listen to country when I was younger. But that was when I really didn't have anything to be depressed about and needed help getting those tears rolling. For those of you that listen to country music and don't fall into deep deep despair, I am in awe of you. I wish I had the will power to surround myself with such sad music and still be happy. Instead I will stick to the good upbeat music of Dope (the group not the drug), Metallica, Puddle of Mud etc...., so I don't write whinny complaining blogs like this one too often.
OK if you are still reading after all my whinny pity me stuff, thanks. I just wanted to let you know that it is very very rare that I indulge in the whole self pity thing. Especially in my writing. So please don't judge me from this post alone.
For example, I've been going over and over in my head as to why so many people simply adore country music. Don't get me wrong or get your panties all in a wad, I admit there are a few country songs that even I like. But for the most part 90 percent of them make me want to bawl my eyes out. Seriously, I am a single mom of 3 kids who wonders how in the hell she is gonna manage to get her two teens a car to drive and where the money is going to come from for college. I spend almost every night in my lonely bed wishing I had a wonderful sweet guy to hold me close while I sleep. I take some pretty strong pain meds every day just to keep the pain in my neck and head at bay enough to function. My Dad has Alzheimer's and my mom told me yesterday that he ate a crayon because he thought it was candy. This is the man that was my hero for my entire life. My kids biological father is not in their life at all (read no child support whatsoever for their entire lives). In other words I spend every day fighting to keep the tears and depression from taking over my life. I sure as hell don't need the music that I listen to making me want to cry until I am dehydrated. I can accomplish that just fine by simply thinking too long about the problems we have. When I listen to music, I want it to take my mind off things and make me happy. I will admit, I did listen to country when I was younger. But that was when I really didn't have anything to be depressed about and needed help getting those tears rolling. For those of you that listen to country music and don't fall into deep deep despair, I am in awe of you. I wish I had the will power to surround myself with such sad music and still be happy. Instead I will stick to the good upbeat music of Dope (the group not the drug), Metallica, Puddle of Mud etc...., so I don't write whinny complaining blogs like this one too often.
OK if you are still reading after all my whinny pity me stuff, thanks. I just wanted to let you know that it is very very rare that I indulge in the whole self pity thing. Especially in my writing. So please don't judge me from this post alone.
Monday, March 26, 2007
What Happens When Your Home is Full Of Children For 3 Nights and 4 Days.
My three children were out of school Friday and some of their friends were out all of last week for Spring Break. As a result I wound up with a crap load of teens and preteens for the entire 4 day weekend. Thursday afternoon B and J came to visit before my kids got home from school. B is the son of the man that owns my heart and J is B's best friend. They were planning on going home around 9 or so Thursday night. But by 6 that night they had decided to stay the night.
In order to simplify things I'm going to make a list of the children that were here this weekend. You can refer back to this list if you get lost. LOL
The first three are my biological children
GBMOD = my oldest daughter 17 yrs (she wasn't here this weekend but I feel bad about leaving her out of my list of children. LOL)
GBMS=my 15 yr old son
GBMYD= my 11 yr old daughter
B= the 17 yr old son of the man that owns my heart. I also consider him one of my children.
S= the youngest of the next door neighbors (19yrs) and my son's best friend for the past 8 years. (Also one that I consider one of my children)
J= B's best friend (18 yrs old)
R= my son's friend (16 yrs old)
T= my son's friend (16 yrs old) He was here off and on all weekend
E= the 11 yr old boy that lives down the road a bit. He was here off and on
J= GBMYD's friend and R's 15 yr old sister. She was here Saturday through Sunday.
Ok I believe that covers everyone. All of these children (except for GBMOD) were here at some time or another this weekend. Most of them were here a majority of the time. Also to be totally honest, I think of all of these kids as my own. They all call me Mom when they are here and I love every single one of them. Even though there were several times this weekend when I wanted to bury them in the back yard.
Now to get back on track, here are just a few things that happen when you have a house full of teens and preteens for the 4 day weekend:
1. Everything in your house becomes covered in an inch of dust from the two 4 wheelers and dirt bike that are being ridden in your back yard.
2. The windshield of your car becomes so covered in dust that when you are driving down the road and turn your wipers and washer fluid on, it turns to pure mud. Causing you to have to stop in the middle of the road until it clears enough to see. (Thank goodness it was a rarely used side road)
3. Your 3 month old puppy escapes from the house five times in one day because the children can't slow down long enough on their way out the door to make sure it closes all the way.
4. You find scorch marks on the walls where the boys have used a lighter and your entire bottle of hair spray to kill the wasps that have gotten into your house through a hole in your window screen.
5. You get stung on the little toe of your left foot by stepping on the one wasp that they didn't quite kill with the lighter and hairspray.
6. Your once full refrigerator, cabinets and freezer now echo when you open them.
7. Every dish in your house is now dirty, even though you washed dishes twice a day the entire weekend. And you find half of the dirty dishes in your sons room.
8. Your 3 month old puppy smells so clean and fresh because the girls got bored hanging out with the boys, started playing in the water outside and decided to give the puppy an outside bath.
9. Your newly opened 24 pack of toilet paper has shown up in the yard and trees of a neighbor that the pack of hoodlums in your house has taken a dislike to.
10. For some reason your female cat has a newly developed habit of jumping up and running to hide under your bed every time she hears someone at the front door.
This is just a few of the things that can happen when you have a house full of children for the 4 day weekend. I will list some more when I have fully recovered.
Oh one more:
11. You sleep until 10 Monday morning because you are so exhausted from the weekend.
Whoever said that a stay at home mom's life is boring? LOL I love my kids. There is never a dull moment in my world.
In order to simplify things I'm going to make a list of the children that were here this weekend. You can refer back to this list if you get lost. LOL
The first three are my biological children
GBMOD = my oldest daughter 17 yrs (she wasn't here this weekend but I feel bad about leaving her out of my list of children. LOL)
GBMS=my 15 yr old son
GBMYD= my 11 yr old daughter
B= the 17 yr old son of the man that owns my heart. I also consider him one of my children.
S= the youngest of the next door neighbors (19yrs) and my son's best friend for the past 8 years. (Also one that I consider one of my children)
J= B's best friend (18 yrs old)
R= my son's friend (16 yrs old)
T= my son's friend (16 yrs old) He was here off and on all weekend
E= the 11 yr old boy that lives down the road a bit. He was here off and on
J= GBMYD's friend and R's 15 yr old sister. She was here Saturday through Sunday.
Ok I believe that covers everyone. All of these children (except for GBMOD) were here at some time or another this weekend. Most of them were here a majority of the time. Also to be totally honest, I think of all of these kids as my own. They all call me Mom when they are here and I love every single one of them. Even though there were several times this weekend when I wanted to bury them in the back yard.
Now to get back on track, here are just a few things that happen when you have a house full of teens and preteens for the 4 day weekend:
1. Everything in your house becomes covered in an inch of dust from the two 4 wheelers and dirt bike that are being ridden in your back yard.
2. The windshield of your car becomes so covered in dust that when you are driving down the road and turn your wipers and washer fluid on, it turns to pure mud. Causing you to have to stop in the middle of the road until it clears enough to see. (Thank goodness it was a rarely used side road)
3. Your 3 month old puppy escapes from the house five times in one day because the children can't slow down long enough on their way out the door to make sure it closes all the way.
4. You find scorch marks on the walls where the boys have used a lighter and your entire bottle of hair spray to kill the wasps that have gotten into your house through a hole in your window screen.
5. You get stung on the little toe of your left foot by stepping on the one wasp that they didn't quite kill with the lighter and hairspray.
6. Your once full refrigerator, cabinets and freezer now echo when you open them.
7. Every dish in your house is now dirty, even though you washed dishes twice a day the entire weekend. And you find half of the dirty dishes in your sons room.
8. Your 3 month old puppy smells so clean and fresh because the girls got bored hanging out with the boys, started playing in the water outside and decided to give the puppy an outside bath.
9. Your newly opened 24 pack of toilet paper has shown up in the yard and trees of a neighbor that the pack of hoodlums in your house has taken a dislike to.
10. For some reason your female cat has a newly developed habit of jumping up and running to hide under your bed every time she hears someone at the front door.
This is just a few of the things that can happen when you have a house full of children for the 4 day weekend. I will list some more when I have fully recovered.
Oh one more:
11. You sleep until 10 Monday morning because you are so exhausted from the weekend.
Whoever said that a stay at home mom's life is boring? LOL I love my kids. There is never a dull moment in my world.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
My Most up to date AutoBiography
First of all I live in a small town in North Alabama. It is about 30 or so miles south of Huntsville Al., so a majority of our population lives here but works in Huntsville. Personally I have lived here my entire life. As a teenager I hated it. It was so small and boring. Nothing interesting ever happened here. Hell we didn't even have a movie theater. Our big plans for weekend nights were to go to Wal-Mart parking lot and hang out with our friend. We occasionally went to the local drag strip for a change of pace or made our own drag strip on a rarely used road. But now that I am a 34 year old Mom of three (2 or them teens), I love my town. We have very little crime and it is a great place to raise kids.
OK I kind of got of track there for a bit. I tend to do that. I blame it on my astrological sign. In case you haven't figured it out yet, I am a Gemini. Everything you read about Geminis say that we are fickle and have trouble focusing on one thing for very long. Based on this I could be the poster child for the Gemini sign. My interests change from week to week, day to day and minute to minute.
Anyway. I love to read and write. I tend to read anything that catches my eye and write about anything that pops into my head. Reading is one of my favorite hobbies. If I am sitting down watching TV, I am also reading a book. As a matter of fact I used to drive my ex husband nuts with my reading. He never could understand how I could read and watch TV at the same time. The thing is my brain gets too bored trying to do just one thing at a time.
I've been divorced for almost 4 years. My ex hubby and I get along better now, than we did when we were married. He has recently remarried. I like his wife. She is kind of quiet so it's hard to really get to know her but she treats my children very well.
Now I am going to finally get to the story that prompted me to start this blog. I've been planning on doing a blog for awhile now but never got around to it. I have a myspace account and would sometimes blog on there but I really wanted a different venue. Tonight I finally had the strong urge to find a new site for my blogs. It was prompted by the fact that I had a fairy in my house tonight.
Wait a minute don't go! I'm not crazy!
Seriously though. I had the windows open in my house tonight because it has been uncommonly hot here for the past few day. Being that it is still the month of March, I refuse to turn on the air conditioning. One of my front living room windows has a screen that has a hole torn in it where my wonderful, lovable, annoying cats have made their own kitty portal to the outside world. This is how the fairy got into our house. I know it wasn't a real fairy. But it did look like one flying around my house. It was one of those huge green moths. My 11 yr old daughter spotted it first. Then my 3 month old puppy saw it. So I spent 15 minutes or so trying to rescue the moth and put it outside. The entire time I kept thinking, "This thing looks exactly like a fairy. I have to catch it and put it outside.". You see I couldn't stand the thought of something so beautiful dying in my home. After several minutes of following the fairy moth through my living room and kitchen, it finally tired itself out and landed on my head. I carefully cupped my hand over it so my hands wouldn't touch it's wings. Are moths like butterflies? Where if you touch their wings they can't fly? Anyway, with my hand cupped over the fairy moth and my youngest daughter and puppy following me, I went outside. I took my hand off my head and waited for the fairy moth to fly away. It didn't! It just sat there. So I put my finger under it and lifted it off my hand. I put it on the rail of my porch. After a minute or two it flew up and started circling my porch light.
When I came back in I couldn't get the fairy moth out of my head. So I decided to blog about it. The experience has also given me a great idea for a story. Did I mention that I love to write? LOL
So now I've come to the end of my first post. If you have stayed with me this far, Thank you. I hope you will visit from time to time. I will write about anything that catches my interest and about my adventures of being the only adult in the house with 2 teen, a preteen, all their friend, 3 cats, 2 dogs and a ferret. I also will probably, from time to time write about (OMG) sex. LOL
OK I kind of got of track there for a bit. I tend to do that. I blame it on my astrological sign. In case you haven't figured it out yet, I am a Gemini. Everything you read about Geminis say that we are fickle and have trouble focusing on one thing for very long. Based on this I could be the poster child for the Gemini sign. My interests change from week to week, day to day and minute to minute.
Anyway. I love to read and write. I tend to read anything that catches my eye and write about anything that pops into my head. Reading is one of my favorite hobbies. If I am sitting down watching TV, I am also reading a book. As a matter of fact I used to drive my ex husband nuts with my reading. He never could understand how I could read and watch TV at the same time. The thing is my brain gets too bored trying to do just one thing at a time.
I've been divorced for almost 4 years. My ex hubby and I get along better now, than we did when we were married. He has recently remarried. I like his wife. She is kind of quiet so it's hard to really get to know her but she treats my children very well.
Now I am going to finally get to the story that prompted me to start this blog. I've been planning on doing a blog for awhile now but never got around to it. I have a myspace account and would sometimes blog on there but I really wanted a different venue. Tonight I finally had the strong urge to find a new site for my blogs. It was prompted by the fact that I had a fairy in my house tonight.
Wait a minute don't go! I'm not crazy!
Seriously though. I had the windows open in my house tonight because it has been uncommonly hot here for the past few day. Being that it is still the month of March, I refuse to turn on the air conditioning. One of my front living room windows has a screen that has a hole torn in it where my wonderful, lovable, annoying cats have made their own kitty portal to the outside world. This is how the fairy got into our house. I know it wasn't a real fairy. But it did look like one flying around my house. It was one of those huge green moths. My 11 yr old daughter spotted it first. Then my 3 month old puppy saw it. So I spent 15 minutes or so trying to rescue the moth and put it outside. The entire time I kept thinking, "This thing looks exactly like a fairy. I have to catch it and put it outside.". You see I couldn't stand the thought of something so beautiful dying in my home. After several minutes of following the fairy moth through my living room and kitchen, it finally tired itself out and landed on my head. I carefully cupped my hand over it so my hands wouldn't touch it's wings. Are moths like butterflies? Where if you touch their wings they can't fly? Anyway, with my hand cupped over the fairy moth and my youngest daughter and puppy following me, I went outside. I took my hand off my head and waited for the fairy moth to fly away. It didn't! It just sat there. So I put my finger under it and lifted it off my hand. I put it on the rail of my porch. After a minute or two it flew up and started circling my porch light.
When I came back in I couldn't get the fairy moth out of my head. So I decided to blog about it. The experience has also given me a great idea for a story. Did I mention that I love to write? LOL
So now I've come to the end of my first post. If you have stayed with me this far, Thank you. I hope you will visit from time to time. I will write about anything that catches my interest and about my adventures of being the only adult in the house with 2 teen, a preteen, all their friend, 3 cats, 2 dogs and a ferret. I also will probably, from time to time write about (OMG) sex. LOL
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